Christina Zastrow

The Long Way Home

Conflicted

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I thought, this whole time that I’ve been exploring where I’m headed next and what home means to me, that all the people in my life who are important knew where I was leaning, that everyone knew there is a chance that I’m not headed back to settle down in Chicago. I learned recently that that isn’t quite accurate. Of course, I learned this when I was discussing some opportunities in China with a person who matters very much to me, but who happens to live in Chicago.

I discussed some new possibilities (because clearly what I need at this point is more choices) with my roommate, and sort of came to a decision. It was one that freaked me out and that I was…completely unsure of, but that I thought was probably the wisest choice. It wasn’t the choice that my heart called for, but then, if my heart was really calling me in any specific direction, I’d probably have a set decision by now.

Then I mentioned it all very casually to someone back in Chicago and this person said something that changed my entire perspective. This person said “I don’t want to lose you.” Which…is not something that I expected. I kind of thought that the people in Chicago that I miss sort of…enjoy me when I’m around, but don’t really care that much when I’m not or that the level of communication that I’m at is acceptable to them. Which means this person, whom I adore but who I thought would never feel the same way in return. And here I am, reading this text, having a conversation that implies to me that I matter. And now I don’t know anymore. Because if I am cared for by this person… well that’s data that changes some things.

I guess I’m off to write new pro/con lists and reconsider where I’m headed…

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Author: Christina Zastrow

Somewhere along my way through life, I managed to lose sight of myself. Then when my first long term relationship fell apart I found myself homeless, unemployed, and without family or support system. I decided it was time to find my way home, back to myself. This is my journey.

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